


Under the Light of a Thousand Stars

by allthewordissmiling



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, a little sumt, but i tried my best to make the ride as beautiful as possible, i tried okay, if that makes sense, this is a sad story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-11-26
Packaged: 2018-02-07 17:59:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1908501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthewordissmiling/pseuds/allthewordissmiling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>louis wants to comfort him </p><p>and hug him </p><p>but instead</p><p>he just holds harry's hand</p><p>a little tighter</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. lost time.

**Author's Note:**

> hello there
> 
> so this is my first story here and yeh, this is it.  
> the story is a bit sad and revolves mainly around the way harry and louis deal with cancer. there is the possibility of this having triggering parts. so please be warned. 
> 
> this story is written in a bit of a.. different way so i hope it's not too off-putting. also this story has not been beta'd and english is not my mother tongue so if there are any grammar errors i apologise.
> 
> the title is from ed sheeran's spectacular song 'thinking out loud'. 
> 
> okay enough of this, on with it. i'm really interested in your opinion on this story so don't be afraid to use the comment button. 
> 
> :)

_ one.   _

 

“lost time

 

is something

 

you never find

 

again.”

 

(Benjamin Franklin)

 

.

 

it’s warm when they meet

 

the sun is shining

 

it’s warming the pavement

 

butterfly’s flying around

 

it’s a happy day

 

when louis enters the café

 

the smell of coffee hits him

 

the café is crowded

 

and he can only see

 

one free space

 

he goes towards it

 

and asks

 

whether he can sit there or not

 

the person looks up

 

and louis’

 

breath stills

 

because the person is beautiful

 

so

 

_so_

 

beautiful

 

he has brown hair

 

curls

 

and eyes

 

the colour of deep sea water

 

or trees in spring

 

his face is soft

 

his smile big

 

of course, sit down

 

he says

 

and louis does

 

i’m harry

 

will you tell me

 

your name

 

louis nodds

 

it’s louis

 

harry smiles

 

it lights up his eyes

 

louis wants to hug him

 

and make sure

 

that he’s never

 

unhappy

 

and make sure

 

that the smile

 

never leaves his face

 

they talk

 

and talk

 

they talk

 

until the barista comes

 

and tells them that they’re closing now

 

okay they say

 

and from then on

 

they meet every week

 

same place

 

same time

 

louis still wants to make him smile

 

everyday

 

and all the time

 

he still wants to hug him

 

and kiss him

 

just like the first day

 

and eventually

 

the seasons change

 

and summer turns into fall

 

fall turns into winter

 

and they still meet

 

every week

 

same place

 

same time

 

and one night

 

louis can’t stop thinking

 

can’t stop thinking about harry

 

he just wishes harry would feel the same

 

the same way about him

 

he wishes

 

harry would want to kiss him too

 

louis tells himself that

 

no

 

harry is too good for him

 

he doesn’t deserve harry

 

harry is

 

too innocent

 

too good

 

too pure

 

for him

 

louis would ruin him

 

he wouldn’t let himself do that

 

the next day

 

harry calls louis

 

telling him they need to talk

 

and that it’s important

 

louis is scared

 

but when they meet at the café

 

and harry wraps his arms around him

 

he feels safe

 

and at home

 

louis asks him what was so important

 

harry says they should take a walk

 

louis is scared again

 

will you tell me now

 

he asks harry

 

they are walking

 

in a park

 

and it’s snowing

 

snowflakes

 

dancing in the soft wind

 

he feels harry’s hand tremble

 

it’s okay

 

he tells him

 

whatever it is

 

I won’t judge you for it

 

harry sighs

 

louis takes his hand

 

because he can’t help himself

 

harry looks so beautiful

 

and he seems so worried

 

a frown etched upon his face

 

and louis just can’t help himself

 

he needs to take harry’s hand

 

he expects to be pushed away

 

and yelled at by him

 

but he doesn’t

 

harry just holds louis’ hand tighter

 

and louis can’t help but smile

 

but still

 

there is a fear

 

deep down

 

for what harry is about to tell him

 

and when he looks at harry

 

he can see a tear

 

rolling down his cheek

 

louis wants to comfort him

 

hug him

 

but instead

 

he just holds harry's hand

 

a little tighter

 

I’m sick

 

he says

 

and just like the first time they met

 

louis’ breath

 

and louis’ heart

 

still for a moment

 

no

 

no no no no no

 

that is all louis can think

 

how sick are you

 

he asks him

 

harry doesn’t answer

 

he only bows his head

 

a little lower

 

trying to hide his tears

 

louis can see them anyway

 

you will get better

 

won’t you

 

louis asks him

 

fear

 

is pulsing though his veins

 

fear for harry

 

fear for his life

 

he dreads harry’s answer

 

he dreads it more than anything

 

harry shakes his head

 

and just like that

 

louis’ world crashes around him

 

and everything

 

he thought he had

 

was now lost

 

louis’ heart hurts

 

a lot

 

I’m sorry

 

harry says

 

but louis can’t hear him

 

not really

 

he’s lost in thought

 

what is it

 

louis asks

 

a few minutes later

 

it’s leukemia

 

stage four

 

he hears harry saying

 

louis doesn’t think

 

that he will ever smile again

 

ever

 

and louis can’t help himself

 

he really can’t

 

he kisses harry

 

because he wants to

 

has always wanted to

 

and because

 

time is running out

 

and because

 

time is the longest distance

 

between two places

 

it’s short

 

and sweet

 

and loving

 

and tender

 

when they pull away

 

from each other

 

louis leans his forehead

 

against harry’s

 

takes a deep breath

 

to keep the tears

 

that are building up

 

in his eyes

 

from falling

 

and says

 

it’s gonna be okay

 

harry nods

 

harry believes him

 

and that means more

 

than louis could ever say

 

.

 

from then on

 

louis life changes

 

not just because harry is sick

 

and not because harry has no time to waste

 

but because they kissed

 

they kissed

 

and it meant something

 

it meant a lot

 

slowly

 

but surely

 

their lives intertwine

 

harry moves in with louis

 

and one night

 

when they are sitting

 

next to eat other

 

the fireplace lit

 

stealing kisses

 

every few minutes

 

because they just can’t help themselves

 

louis asks harry

 

with a rapidly beating heart

 

if he wants to be his boyfriend

 

harry stills

 

and looks louis in the eyes

 

and blushes

 

a cute pink

 

and then

 

a huge smile breaks out

 

on his face

 

and he nods

 

yes

 

yes louis tomlinson

 

I do want to be your boyfriend

 

and then harry kisses him

 

long and deep

 

but at the same time

 

loving and tender

 

and louis’ belly is filled with butterfly’s

 

his head buzzing with giddiness

 

and louis thinks

 

that he’s never been happier

 

and he hopes that this moment

 

never stops.


	2. sweetest hours.

_two._

 

“all our sweetest hours

 

fly fastest.”

 

(Virgil)

 

.

 

they are happy

 

so happy

 

all of a sudden

 

louis’ and harry’s lives

 

are filled with

 

warm embraces

 

loving kisses

 

tender touches

 

whispered words

 

and longing glances

 

one night

 

after dinner

 

they decide to watch a movie

 

at the local cinema

 

and when they see the program

 

harry jumps up and down

 

frozen is showing tonight

 

and harry begs louis

 

from them to see frozen

 

with big puppy dog-eyes

 

and a tiny smile

 

on his pretty face

 

and of course

 

louis says yes

 

because who can say no

 

to a face like that

 

harry kisses him

 

and louis thinks that this

 

this is what he wants in his life

 

all his life

 

but he knows he can’t

 

the time with harry is limited

 

and he wants to cry         

 

and scream

 

and shout

 

because it’s not fair

 

why

 

_why_

does it have to be him

 

why harry

 

sweet

 

loving

 

tender harry

 

and he can’t help but think

 

of that book

 

_wuthering hights_

 

that he had to read

 

for school

 

only a few years ago

 

_if all else perished_

_and he remained_

_I should continue to be_

_and if all else remained_

_and he were annihilated_

_the universe would turn_

_to a mighty stranger_

and louis thinks

 

the universe

 

will turn into a stranger

 

and it’s not that louis is afraid

 

of the unknown

 

or of the undiscovered

but he is afraid

 

of losing the person

 

that means most to him

 

in this world

 

louis comes up

 

from his own little world

 

when harry touches his shoulder

 

and asks him

 

if they can get sugar coated popcorn

 

louis hands him five pounds

 

and harry runs off to buy

 

sugar coated popcorn

 

with a smile on his face

 

but louis has to take a deep breath

 

shake away all his thoughts

 

about what is bound to happen

 

sometime

 

sometime too soon

 

when harry returns back to louis

 

pink bag of sugar coated popcorn

 

in his large hands

 

louis has a smile on his face

 

a genuine smile

 

because he is happy

 

he is happy that harry is here right now

 

with him

 

in this moment

 

his eyes glittering

 

but when louis cries a little

 

when the movie starts

 

and everything is dark

 

no one has to know

 

he settles on kissing harry’s cheek

 

and holding his hand instead

 

.

 

the greatest cruelty

 

is our casual blindness

 

to the despair of others

 

that’s what harry tells him

 

as they watch a documentary

 

about children in africa

 

struggling to survive

 

they seem to be watching

 

a lot of TV at the moment

 

mostly because Harry is too tired

 

to do much else

 

louis is okay with it

 

as long as he is with his boy

 

.

 

it’s new years eve

 

and louis is sad

 

because this may be

 

the first and the last time

 

he ever gets to spend this night

 

with harry

 

they’re alone

 

in louis’ flat

 

sat next to each other

 

on chairs

 

looking outside

 

into the darkness

 

of the night

 

it’s 11:46 PM

 

harry is a jittery mess

 

of nerves and happiness

 

and louis thinks that

 

harry knows

 

that he’s upset

 

and that he’s trying

 

to make it better

 

for louis

 

by being happy

 

and excited

 

about everything

 

for both of them

 

and louis thinks

 

that harry is perfect

 

in every way possible

 

and as he says so

 

harry sits on his lap

 

straddling him

 

looks into his eyes

 

and doesn’t say anything

 

at least not vocally

 

the way his lips are etched

 

into a tiny frown

 

his eyes mirroring doubt

                                                

and disbelief

 

louis knows harry doesn’t believe him

 

why would you say that

 

he asks

 

because it’s true

 

louis answers

 

harry shakes his head

 

and louis can’t help but say

 

I will tell you that you are

 

important

 

loving

 

deserving

 

intelligent

 

wonderful

 

worthy

 

compassionate

 

inspiring

 

brave

 

true

strong

 

and able

 

until you finally

 

realize it for yourself

 

when louis finishes

 

tears are rolling down

 

harry’s cheeks

 

don’t cry darling

 

louis says worried

 

wiping away the tears

 

on harry’s cheeks

 

with his thumb

 

as gently as he can

 

harry is silent

 

he’s still looking at louis

 

not saying a single word

 

until

 

I love you, louis tomlinson

 

then, he sacks in on himself

 

and cries

 

ugly and painful sobs

 

escape harry’s chest

                    

as he hides his face

 

on louis’ chest

 

wettening his shirt

 

but louis doesn’t mind

 

why are you crying

 

it’s okay

 

it’s all going to be okay

 

then harry lifts his head

 

from louis’ chest

 

and says the most painful

 

and heart wrenching thing

 

that louis has ever heard

 

anyone say in his life

 

because I have to leave you

 

it’s not about me being gone

 

or me not being able to build

 

a future

 

it’s just that

 

I’m going to miss you

 

so terribly

 

and I don’t know how

 

I’ll be able to

 

bear that

 

I really really don’t

 

louis tells him that

 

he is going to be here

 

no matter where harry goes

 

so if he ever gets lost

 

he can always find his way

 

back to louis

 

and he also tells him

 

that sometime

 

louis is going to join him

 

where harry is going

 

so he should save a seat

 

and not miss him too much

because they will see

 

each other again

 

and then

 

louis breaks off his speech

 

because form the street

 

he can hear the countdown

 

for the new year

 

being chanted

 

excitedly

 

5

 

4

 

3

 

2

 

I love you too

 

by the way

 

louis tells him

 

1

 

the next thing he realizes

 

are harry’s lips on his own

 

and hands gripping

 

his sides tightly

 

that night

 

when they are laying

 

on their soft fluffy bed

 

louis kisses up and down

 

harry’s stomach

 

occasionally sucking a little bit

 

leaving behind

 

faint marks

 

on harry’s soft skin

 

a bit later

 

louis is inside harry

 

and quiet sounds of pleasure

 

are filling the air

 

harry huffs out air

 

each time

 

louis connects

 

his hips with harry’s

 

they kiss a lot

 

and touch a lot

 

and louis cant get over the fact

 

that this boy is his

 

that this boy loves him back

 

and he is so beautiful

 

his vision begins to blur

 

his pleasure

 

coming to a high

 

its exploding fireworks

 

rockets taking off

 

butterfly’s in his stomach

 

and bombs exploding

 

as he comes

 

once louis has come down

 

from his high

 

he opens his eyes

 

and sees harry

 

with droopy eyes

 

and a little grin

 

on his pretty face

 

he’s a little sweaty

 

and so is louis

 

but they cuddle close

 

anyway

 

not bothering to clean up

 

they fall asleep

 

happy

 

and in love

 

.

 

the doctors appointment

 

is on a monday morning

 

it’s a clear day

 

no clouds

 

only blue sky

 

but the temperature

 

is deadly

 

louis drives harry

 

to the hospital

 

the entire drive

 

is silent

 

each one

 

lost in their own thoughts

 

louis’ full of worry

 

and harry’s full of ideas

 

trying to cheer up louis

 

because harry can see

 

harry knows

 

that louis is sad

 

and harry doesn’t want

 

louis being sad all the time

 

just because of him

 

he wishes

 

he could make it better

 

for louis

 

but he doesn’t know how to

 

it’s frustrating

 

sometimes

 

harry wants to leave faster

 

because it hurts

 

his chest tightens

 

his sides hurt

 

everything hurts

 

and sometimes

 

it hurts so much

 

he wants to scream

 

but he doesn’t

 

because that would scare louis

 

and he doesn’t want that

 

harry thinks that louis

 

doesn’t know

 

or doesn’t realize

 

that it hurts

 

so much

 

there is a near constant pain

 

in his left side

 

but louis doesn’t know that

 

and harry thinks

 

it’s better that way

 

.

 

the doctors only tell him

 

what he already knows

 

that the cancer

 

has spread

 

though his whole body

 

he has a few months

 

to live

 

that’s what they tell him

 

but what do a few months

 

mean

 

when you were supposed to

 

have years

 

when you were supposed to

 

build a future

 

not imagine one

 

harry doesn’t call louis

 

like he promised him

 

instead he walks

 

he walks through a forest

 

a beautiful green forest

 

the ground covered

 

with snow

 

harry leaves marks

 

on the snow

 

with every step he takes

 

and he begins to wonder

 

if he will leave

 

permanent footprints

 

on this earth          

 

not just the temporary

 

imprints on the frozen water

 

that happened to fall from the sky

 

or if he’s going to be

 

just another person

 

who once lived

 

on the planet

 

that we call earth

 

and all the thinking makes harry’s head

 

hurt

 

.

 

louis dials harry’s number

 

for what seems to be

 

the hundredth time

 

this evening

 

but harry still won’t pick up

 

louis is worried

 

they said harry would call him

 

after the doctors

 

but he never did

 

and now the sun

 

is about to set

 

and harry is no where

 

and just as louis

 

is about to call

 

the police

 

the door opens

 

and harry stands outside

 

their flat

 

freezing

 

from the snow

 

that is falling

 

and tears

 

are

 

staining his cheeks

 

and louis wants to kiss

 

them away

 

and make harry feel better

 

he wants to make harry

 

laugh that laugh

 

that nearly splits his face

 

and he wants to make harry’s eyes

 

sparkle

 

so he stepps forwards

 

and opens his arms

 

harry almost sprints

 

into louis arms

 

his face falling

 

on louis’ shoulder

 

his shoulders shaking

 

his beautiful

 

_beautiful_

boy is crying in his arms

 

and he was muttering

 

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so so sorry

 

over and over again

 

louis just threads his hands

 

through harry’s hair

 

and whispers reassurances

 

to his boy

 

harry calms down

 

after a while

 

his sobs turning into

 

little hiccups

 

and harry lifts his head

 

from louis’ shoulder

 

and then louis kisses him

 

the kiss is slow

 

and languid

 

and sad

 

and loving

 

and nothing at all

 

but everything at once

 

that night

 

when they were laying in bed

 

next to each other

 

their sides touching

 

hands linked

 

harry whispers

 

I have to tell you something

 

and louis’ stomach drops

 

but louis squeezes harry’s hand

 

signaling him to go on

 

anyway

 

louis’ heart is beating so fast

 

he is afraid it’s about to explode

 

and then harry sais

 

I have a few months

 

and I’ve known

 

for a while

 

I’m sorry

 

I didn’t tell you

 

I didn’t know how to

 

louis nods

 

his hair is falling

 

into his face

 

and into his eyes

 

and louis doesn’t know what to say

 

are you mad

 

harry asks

 

no

 

louis answeres

 

I’m just afraid

 

.

 

the things that frighten louis the most

 

don’t even have a physical form

 

thoughts

 

love

 

lust

 

fear

 

loss

 

loneliness

 

heartbreak

 

they’re the things

 

you feel

 

with every component of your body

 

but will never see in it’s eternity

 

that is why

 

he believes

 

the scariest things

 

are what he can feel

 

but never touch

 

.

 

there are days

 

when all louis and harry do

 

is lay on the sofa

 

cuddle up

 

and watch movies

 

but mostly

 

they just get lost

 

in each other

 

they kiss

 

languidly

 

and passionately

 

the longing they feel

 

for the other person

 

astounds them both sometimes

 

but mostly

 

it’s just so obvious

 

because louis loves harry

 

and harry loves louis

 

and their not afraid to show it

 

on a thursday

 

harry comes home

 

to louis

 

with a huge grin on his face

 

what is it

 

louis asks smiling

 

harry just smirks

 

and holds up a small bag

 

at first

 

louis doesn’t quite realize

 

what harry is holding up

 

but then

 

louis recognizes

 

the green dust

 

and it dawns on him

 

what harry is holding in his hand

 

you did not

 

louis cries

 

but he can’t help but laugh

 

because how

 

how on earth

 

did this boy

 

come to have a bag

 

full of pot

 

it astounds louis

 

everyday

 

still

 

what a mystery harry is

 

and harry is still smirking

 

it’s gonna be a good night

 

harry says and walks into the kitchen

 

and a few hours later

 

it turns out

 

he was right

 

they are on a roof

 

the sky is dark

 

and the stars shine bright

 

endless night

 

harry rolls a joint

 

with such expertise

 

that louis asks himself

 

what he missed

 

when harry told him

 

about himself

 

but a few moments later

 

the joint was between harry’s lips

 

and a lighter

 

is held against it

 

he inhales

 

exhales

 

smoke

 

he then passes

 

the joint to louis

 

who by all means

 

is not a beginner

 

in this

 

but his hands still shake a little

 

as he brings the cigarette

 

to his mouth

 

inhales

 

his lungs burn

 

and his throat feels like

 

it’s on fire

 

he keeps the smoke in anyway

 

exhales

 

and coughs

 

he can already feel

 

the dizziness

 

creeping up

 

somewhere inside

 

harry is staring at him

 

his eyes dazed

 

his mouth slightly agape

 

louis passes him the fag

 

harry adverts his gaze from louis

 

just for a second

 

and takes the spliff

 

from louis hand

 

inhale

 

exhale

 

inhale

 

exhale

 

and soon

 

louis’ vision is blurry

 

and he feels good

 

everything seems to be slow

 

everything slowed down

 

he just wishes

 

he could slow time

 

permanently

 

so harry and him

 

could stay like this

 

forever

 

forget everything

 

forget harry’s sickness

 

forget everyone and everything

 

harry is laying next to him

 

and they are both looking up

 

at the stars

 

and everything is so blurry

 

but louis doesn’t mind

 

he likes this

 

harry next to him

 

their hands touching

 

everything is completely quiet

 

until

 

what do you think happens after you die

 

harry whispers

 

louis doesn’t answer

 

for a long while

 

I think you turn into a star

 

a bright

 

shining

 

star

 

and I also think

 

that you can’t be anything but happy

 

up there

 

he holds his arm up

 

pointing to the sky

 

to the stars

 

and continues talking

 

reflections of what once was

 

but not anymore

 

because that’s what stars are

 

and as he points to the endless sky

 

his hands shake

 

he hopes harry doesn’t notice

 

it’s silent after that

 

harry leans over

 

and kisses louis

 

it’s calm

 

and passionate

 

and blurry

 

and sincere

 

and fuzzy

 

and honest

 

but mostly just

 

perfect

 

louis’ heart his beating

 

really fast

 

in his chest

 

and again

 

he can’t believe his luck

 

because this boy

 

this beautiful

 

perfect

 

cute

 

generous

 

pretty

 

selfless

 

quirky

 

and goodhearted

 

boy

 

is his

 

louis puts a hand

 

on harry’s chest

 

and feels his heartbeat

 

it’s fast

 

and louis is a little proud

 

(maybe a lot)

 

because he’s the one

 

making his heart beat

 

a little faster

 

he loves this boy

 

the boy he met

 

almost a year ago

 

in a coffee shop

 

and this boy

 

changed his life

 

in more ways

 

than he would ever know

 

he thinks all that

 

as he feels

 

harry’s steady heartbeat

 

against his palm

 

and louis couldn’t help but think

 

that this heartbeat

 

that he was feeling

 

was keeping his boy

 

alive

 

he just wonders

 

for how long

 

.

 

one day

 

when louis takes harry

 

to a concert

 

it’s the script

 

harry tells him he’s scared

 

of crowds

 

louis holds harry’s hand

 

a little tighter

 

and harry thinks

 

it’s going to be okay

 

and it is

 

they have fun

 

they jump up and down

 

to the beat of the music

 

they sing along

 

at the top of their lungs

 

they also kiss

 

and harry feels

 

completely and utterly free

 

and completely and utterly

 

in love

 

.

 

spring came suddenly

 

bursting upon the world

 

as a child bursts into a room

 

with a laugh and a shout

 

and hands full of flowers

 

(herny wadsworth)

 

.

 

harry sleeps a lot

 

he’s tired and exhausted

 

all the time

 

but louis is always with him

 

holding his hand

 

kissing his forehead

 

telling him it’s okay

 

because it still

 

is

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is the second chapter. sorry it took me so long to upload.  
> again, I am not an expert at cancer and chemo and I only know what I found from my research so I hope not too much is inaccurate. I'm sorry if you feel offended by anything, tell me if you are and I will try my best change it.  
> anyway, feedback is very much appreciated, I'd love to hear what you think about the story. thank you so much for reading. xxx


	3. a shadow.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for not uploading for so long. but i'm back now :). last chapter will be posted sometime next week.  
> thank you so much for reading.

three. 

“time flies over us

but always leaves

a shadow behind.”

(nathaniel hawthrone)

.

even from far away

you could see it

they were drunk

but not from any type 

of beverage

they are drunk off each other

the way they laugh 

the way they keep snaking glances 

even though

both know the other 

is looking too

the way 

they curl into eachother 

with a little nervousness 

hidden behind

a subtle excitement

even from far away 

you could see

they find each other 

utterly intoxicating

.

are you scared

louis asks harry one day

it’s a good day

and harry isn’t in too much pain

at least that’s what he tells louis

they are sitting on the couch

the old

grey couch 

next to the chimney 

which they never light

scared of what

harry asks him

of dying

louis says 

he closes his eyes

because he can’t bear 

to see harry’s facial expression

when he answers

no, I’m not

but sometimes I think that 

we waste our words

and we waste our moments

and we don’t take the time

to say the things

that are in our hearts 

when we have the chance

harry sighs and continues

and I don’t mean us 

in particular

I just find it sad

that people don’t talk 

to each other enough

about the things

they really want 

.

louis loves early mornings

when it feels like 

the rest of the world 

is still fast asleep 

and he’s the only one 

who’s awake 

and everything feels like

it isn’t real 

and he kind of 

forgets about his problems 

because for now

it’s just him

with harry next to him 

fast asleep, 

the world

and the sunrise

. 

harry gets worse

very fast

about three months 

after they smoked 

pot on the roof

he’s sleepy all the time

he doesn’t eat

he’s constantly cold

shivering all over

and often confused

to where he is

and who he is

there was one time 

when harry woke up from a nap 

on the old sofa

and screamed at louis

babbling nonsense 

and pushed louis away from him 

as he was trying to comfort him 

harry ran into the bathroom 

slammed the door

and didn’t come out

for a long time

and as he did

he had his head bowed

in shame 

and wouldn’t look at louis

for days

but after louis promised him 

several times 

dozens of times

hundreds of times maybe

that he was okay

and that he had forgiven harry 

and kissed him softly 

would harry look at him 

and god

had louis missed

those eyes

there are good days

where louis feels normal 

and harry feels good 

and everything is wonderful

and they still kiss a lot 

because still

after all

they just can’t help themselves

those days are mostly filled with smiles

and a lot laughter

but there are also bad days

and louis feels like crying

because harry is in a lot of pain

and it’s on days like that

that they become painfully aware

of the situation they are in

louis feels like crying

because he can’t bear loose harry

ever.

harry refuses to go to hospital 

no matter how much

louis begs him to go

I want to spend 

my last few weeks

at home

with you

not at some stinky 

white 

hospital 

in an uncomfortable bed

harry reasons

and louis can understand 

to a certain point

but he can’t stand

to look at harry

much longer 

when harry’s in so much pain

his body is a shivering mess

twitching

and whimpers escaping 

his mouth

that is no longer smiling

. 

tuesday is a good day

louis thinks

little did he know

that this would be 

the last

good day

but

it’s beginning to get warmer

so they decide to go for a walk 

in the park 

the grass is green 

and the trees are thriving

in their natural brilliance

blossoms covering their branches 

the smell of spring 

filling the air

butterfly’s flying 

above their heads

and their hands intertwined 

as they lazily stroll 

through the empty park 

they talk quietly

about everything and nothing

until harry sighs 

and hands louis an envelope 

it’s white 

and his name is written on it

with harry’s crinkly handwriting 

a tiny heart after the s

only open it

once I’m gone

harry says quietly

louis feels like crying

because he knows

the day of harry’s departure

is coming closer

and he doesn’t know 

how to survive

without the bright 

shining light

that is his harry

he doesn’t know anything

and louis just feels 

so impossibly small

and stupid 

and hopeless 

because he can’t help

the love of his life

and it hurts

so much

thinking

about the rest of his life

without harry in it

. 

it all goes downhill

after that day

the next morning

as harry wakes up

snuggled up next to louis

everything hurts

it hurts so much 

that he wants to scream 

and he can’t help it really

he screams 

louis jolts awake immediately

and turns over to harry

panic

etched onto his delicate features

it hurts

is all harry can say

and that’s all louis needs 

to jump up 

take his phone

from where it’s plugged in

and dial a number

harry can’t hear

what louis is saying

because the rushing 

in his ears 

is so loud

and it hurts

he rolls in on himself 

whimpering

closing his eyes

hoping he might pass out

so all of this pain 

will stop

that’s the last thing 

he remembers

. 

the ambulance 

comes about ten minutes 

after harry passed out

louis is freaking out

his heart is beating 

so fast

in his chest

but all he can think of 

is that maybe

harry’s heart has stopped

because he can’t feel 

a pulse

but as the paramedics 

feel harry’s pulse 

they tell louis

he’s alive 

bearly

they tell him 

he probably passed out 

from the pain

and louis can’t really decide 

whether or not to smile

because harry is alive

because harry is still with him 

or cry because his poor boy 

passed out

from the agony

he was in

he watches

as harry gets loaded 

into the ambulance

people on the street

looking

feeling sorry for louis

probably

because he’s standing 

in the rain

his clothes drenched 

his face empty

and hollow 

but he doesn’t want 

people feeling sorry for him

the only thing 

the only one

louis will ever want 

is harry

. 

harry’s eyes are closed

when louis enters

but the steady beat 

of the heart monitor

signaling 

that harry is alive 

calms him

just a little 

he sits next to the bed

and takes harry’s hand

harry’s eyes snap open

his pupils dialating

louis

he whispers

im here

baby

louis says softly

are you okay

harry asks

louis nods 

you gave me

quite the scare

but im good

he says

the room

harry is in 

has white walls

and a picture

of a school of fish

swimming freely 

somewhere 

where he is not

. 

they tell harry

that he has a few days

and louis feels bile

rising in his throught

because it’s happening

he’s about to loose harry

loose him forever

he will be gone

vanished 

forever 

the only things remaining 

of him 

on this world

are memories

of him 

in people heads

but they will blurr

but not in louis head

he will forever remember him

and he will never love

anyone as much 

as he has loves harry

he’s sure of it

that kind of love 

only comes around once

. 

harry insists 

on going home

I don’t want to die

in a hospital 

he says

and louis fights the tears

that are welling up in his eyes

once they arrive at their flat

harry lays onto the bed

 

and falls asleep immediately 

he sleeps for endless hours

and all the while

louis is sitting next to him 

watching the way 

harry’s chest 

rises and falss 

as he breaths in the air

as he fills his lungs

with air

he memories

harry’s face 

for the thousandth time

he memories his eyelashes

the way his beautiful curly hair

falls into his face 

he memories his lips

full and pink 

it would be a lie

if louis said he didn’t cry

it seems like tears are constantly 

running down his cheeks 

and he can’t help it 

because he knows  
what is bound to happen 

far too soon

and suddenly

louis feels really tired

like the world has drained

him for everything

that he had

. 

he descieds to wake harry 

after he’s slept nearly 18 hours

louis knows it’s selfish 

but he misses harry’s eyes

and he misses harry’s voice

he misses harry

at first he doesn’t wake up

and louis’ heart 

begins to beat really fast

and he feels sick

but then

harry opens his eyes

and at first

he looks confused

to where he is

and who louis is 

but then recognition 

fills harry’s features

and he smiles weakly

hey baby

louis says

how are you feeling

harry takes a moment 

to answer 

hurts

he says

with a raspy voice

can i get you anything

louis asks

and he shakes his head

lay with me 

harry says

and of course

louis does

he pulls harry 

as close to him 

as he possibly can

and they are facing each other

not saying anything for a while

music is playing in the background

it’s a sad song

and louis feels his eyes water

I love you so much 

louis says quietly 

looking into harry’s eyes

he smiles lazily 

I love you too 

he says 

and I want to thank you 

for being who you are

and for always being there for me 

and I can never repay you 

for what you’ve done

to help me

and it still astounds me so much

each day

that I had the honor of loving you 

and being loved back by you 

and I hope you’ll never forget 

that I loved you so much

he finishes

I won’t 

louis says 

good 

harry answers

and adds

how beautiful it is

that you 

could make my heart 

beat so fast

when I don’t want it to 

at all

and harry smiles softly 

at him

eyes crinkled

and sparkling

and harry is happy

. 

they fall asleep then

harry closes his eyes

and louis closes his

still pressed impossibly close 

hands intertwined 

and for a while

breaths synchronized

there are tears 

dried on louis cheeks

and there is a faint smile

on harry’s face

it’s small 

 

but it’s there

louis chest rises and falls

and harry’s

well

harry’s chest stills 

just like his heart

but the tiny smile

never leaves his face

. 

when louis wakes up

he has a bad feeling

he is still wrapped around harry

but he feels cold

too cold 

and too motionless

and it’s then

that he knows

he’s lost him

his love is gone

and he feels empty

and purposeless 

and sad

and stupid 

and angry

and alone

but mostly

really 

really 

empty

he doesn’t cry

he can’t 

he doesn’t know how to

it’s all a blur after that

he calls the ambulance

and harry gets taken away from him

he doesn’t even have the chance

to say goodbye

louis doesn’t remember much after that

he has to sign some papers

and that’s all

they leave

and harry has already left

and he’s alone

and the flat is silent

too silent


	4. knowing.

four. 

“we have come 

so far

and gone nowhere. 

we have lived

so long 

and 

hardly 

at all.”

(Charles Bukowski)

.

 

harry’s things are still everywhere

reminding him

of what he once had 

but has now lost

harry’s favorite shirt

a blue burberry one

is scattered on the floor 

next to what used to be

harry’s side of the bed

louis pulls off his shirt 

and takes harry’s 

put’s it on

and waits for something to happen

nothing happens though

it smells like him

the shirt

it smells like home

and love 

and harry

like raspberry’s 

and the smell right before

it rains

he lays on harry’s side

of the bed

covers himself

with harry’s favorite snuggle blanket

and closes his eyes

there is a sting in his heart 

and in his stomach 

everywhere really

he wants it to go away

his head hurts

and he wants to fall asleep 

and never wake up

he misses harry already

but he knows

harry is never coming back

he will never hear harry’s voice

ever again

he will never see harry’s eyes 

crinkle

harry’s smile is lost 

and so are harry’s stupid jokes

louis will never see

harry’s flushed cheeks 

and his curly 

and shiny 

smelling like apple

hair again

he will never come home

to a singing harry

in the kitchen

cooking in that silly 

pink apron 

he will never hear harry saying

I love you 

and he will never 

have to privilege 

to see harry’s hair

grey

he will never

ever

see harry again

and that 

hurts the most

. 

louis lays in the bed

for a long time

he only gets up to pee

and maybe eat a banana

but that reminds him of harry

and he feels even worse

he doesn’t know how long

he’s lived like this

it could have been days

maybe weeks

even months

 

he’s still wearing 

harry’s favorite shirt

it doesn’t smell like him anymore

louis doesn’t think 

he could feel any worse 

than he is now

he hasn’t cried

he still doesn’t know how to 

but that doesn’t mean

he isn’t sad

and then

one morning

the doorbell rings

at first he ignores it

but after a few minutes of silence

the doorbell rings again

and louis get’s out of bed

just as he’s about to open the door

he catches a glimpse

of himself 

in the mirror

and he gasps

because he looks terrible

his hair is all over the place

he has dark circles 

under his pale eyes

but louis can’t bring himself 

to care

he doesn’t need to look nice

for anyone anymore

why bother

the doorbell rings again

and he opens the door

louis is about to yell

at the person

for disturbing him

but when he sees who it is

he shuts up immediately

louis

harry’s mother

anne

says 

you look terrible

louis nods

not knowing what to say

he knows

he should have called her

he should not have ignored 

her calls

can I come in

she asks softly 

and louis looks at her

and nods

their eyes are the same

he thinks

and is almost relived 

to see harry’s eyes again

but when he looks again

he sees

that the colour is wrong

it’s all wrong

his eyes were darker

he says more to himself

than to anne

but she hears him anyway

sorry

she asks

harry’s eyes

it hurts to say his name outloud he thinks

they were darker

he says

and anne nods

I know 

she says

how are you 

louis manages to ask 

I’ve been better

she answers 

me too

it’s quiet after that

both of them

lost in memory 

of harry

and it hurts

so much 

to think about him 

anne clears her throat 

harry used to tell me 

how much he loved you 

he babbled on about you 

for hours on end

he really loved you

louis wants to go back to bed

curl into a tiny ball

but instead

he nods and says

I know

he doesn’t dare

 

looking into anne’s eyes

they are still too smiliar

too harry’s 

it hurts to much

and then

anne asks something 

that changes everything

have you read his letter

louis could slap himself

how could he forget

the letter harry gave to him 

in the park 

the letter he was only supposed to open

once harry had gone

no, I havn’t 

he answers

.

anne leaves soon after

but says 

she will come by 

to visit

very soon

as soon as the door closes

behind anne

he runs to the bedroom

and opens the drawer 

where he had put harry’s letter

louis hands are shaking

as he carefully 

opens the envelope 

and pulls out a letter 

his heart is beating

so fast

. 

Louis, 

When you read this letter it means that I am gone. And I am so sorry. Even though I am scared to leave, I think I will be happy wherever I go. But I will miss you so terribly. 

You must know, that you changed my life.   
And for that I must thank you, you were always there for me when I needed you , you are my best friend, my brother and the one I love. 

I love you, Louis, I really, really do. 

You just take care of yourself, okay? Really, I mean it. 

I am so sorry. I did not want to have to write this letter. There is so much more I need to say, so much more I need to share. A lifetime’s worth.

I’d like to think that your smile, your way of looking at me will always be in my memories. 

Promise me you won’t do anything stupid. Don’t miss me too much. Because you will see me again, but that time is far from now. You will have a happy life; you will fall in love again and move on. That’s okay. Please be happy again. So I won’t say goodbye, I’ll say see you later… because I will.   
Just don’t forget me entirely, please. That’s all I ask. 

Tell Mum and Gemma I love them, and if they cry, hug and comfort them, I worry about them the most. They need you, much more than I need you. And lastly, keep everyone laughing. Your smile is so beautiful. 

Do me a favor, go outside look at the stars and count them. Don’t forget to smile.   
I will always be with you, Louis. I will always want you, need you and love you in my heart, mind and soul. 

I will never forget you.   
Thank you for being there for me. 

I love you, Louis. Remember that. Never forget that. 

 

Love always,   
Harry 

.

harry’s funeral

is on a thursday

it’s warm 

but louis feels cold

he is not ready to say goodbye

he will never be 

but he has to 

anne greets him 

with a warm hug

so does gemma

and some other people

he’s never met 

and he can’t help but think

the only person 

he wants to be hugged by

is gone now

it makes him shiver

all over

his chest feels tight 

as the service begins

people talk about him

and how passionate he was

how selfless 

and how much he cared

about everyone

and everything

and louis wants to jump up

and yell at everyone

because people are talking

about him

about harry

as if they were best friends

even though

he knows for a fact

they haven’t seen him 

in years

after a while 

louis just closes his eyes

and imagines harry

how his smile

lit up his face 

and what it felt like

to have harry’s hand

in his

and how harry’s lips felt like

against his

how his voice sounded 

when he woke up 

in the morning

tired and exhausted 

but still that smile

on his face

that made louis’ giddy

and so happy

he imagines 

what harry would say 

about all this

and louis thinks 

he’d complain 

about how pretentious 

most of the people are

he also thinks 

harry would hug him 

and kiss him

pressing their body’s 

impossibly close 

their heartbeats 

in synch

harry would say

how everything

would be okay again

and how the sun

always rises 

in the morning

no matter how bad

the day before was

that thought makes louis smile

and he realizes 

that this is the first time

since harry is gone

that he smiled 

he thinks that

harry is proud of him

. 

as harry’s body

get’s lowered 

into the ground

louis is standing 

next to gemma 

who is crying 

hysterically

louis isn’t though

he just stares

at the casket

in which 

harry is laying

and he thinks

that this is the last time

that he is this close

to him

he will never be 

within reach 

of harry again

his head hurts

and his heart hurts

he fears he’s about to explode

from everything 

he is feeling

he wants it to stop

he wants to stop feeling

the way

he has felt 

ever since harry left

he want to stop feeling entirely

all he wants 

is harry

and nothing more

but harry is now out of reach

and harry’s heart is now 

still 

and dead

. 

after a while

most people leave

they leave

to go back to their lives

only to forget harry 

but louis can’t

he stays by the grave 

and stands there staring

at the stone 

next to the pile of dirt 

in which harry is buried in 

harry’s grave stone

his simple

it’s grey

and has a simple daisy on it

and under it 

there is his name 

his birthday

and the day 

he passed away

louis thinks that the stone

is beautiful

gemma is still next to him 

anne is there as well

his father 

and louis

everyone else is gone

louis wants to scream

and it begins to rain 

it’s a heavy rain

do you want some time

alone with him

anne asks him 

and breaks the silence

louis can’t bring himself

to say anything else than

please

and before he realizes it

he’s alone

it’s still raining

but louis sits down 

infront of the grave stone

and as the rain 

pours down on him

he begins to cry

and he does 

for a long time

he just sits there

in the pouring rain

in front of the gravestone

sobbing

why did he have to leave

he asks himself

no

no

no

harry can’t be gone

louis cries the cries

that come from deep within

the ones you can’t stop

the ones that show

how much you are really

hurting

. 

when he closes

the door 

to his flat 

he half expects 

harry to be sitting 

on the sofa

greeting him 

with a smile on his face

but he’s not

and louis’ chest tightens 

and louis’ heart hurts  
. 

a few weeks 

after harry’s funeral

louis is at harry’s grave 

wearing his sweater

and tears

running down his cheeks

a paper in his hand

that he begins to write

.

I don’t remember the last time I felt like I could breath. There’s a hole in my chest where my lungs and heart should be. I’m bursting into flames and then the wind storms in and scatters my ashes everywhere. How is it possible to feel nothing and everything at once? I don’t know anything anymore.   
I only know that in a sea of people my eyes always search for you and then I remember that I can’t and won’t find you. I never will. And it hurts. Dammit it hurts so much. It hurts in my head and in my heart and my chest, and I’m really having trouble breathing without you here.   
Vincent van Gogh once said that the sadness will last forever. And I never quite understood how that is possible but now, now I understand. 

No one ever prepares you for the pain, no one ever tells you how much it hurts, all they say is that you will be alright sometime.   
But in this case, I don’t think it will be. 

I miss you so much it hurts. I’m missing you and it’s killing me. All I do is lie awake and miss you.   
Everything reminds me of you, the music on the radio, the pictures on the wall, the clothes you left lying around. Everything. 

I never knew it was possible to miss someone so terribly. I don’t know what to feel anymore, I guess time goes slower when you miss the one you love.

Just for a single moment I want to feel like the universe isn’t about to crush me and my heart isn’t about to explode.   
If you were here now, I would kiss you and tell you I love you and ask you never to leave. 

But I know I can never kiss you again, I can never tell you how much I really love you ever again. 

It’s been such a long time since I’ve seen your lovely face, no matter how many months, how many years I won’t see you, my love for you will never, ever fade away. 

There are so many unanswered questions in my mind that get me to the fact that it is time to say my final goodbye to you. 

Maybe you were needed up there. 

I hope you are happy, wherever you are. I miss you so, so much. 

All the love in the world, 

Louis. 

. 

when louis finishes

tears 

are running 

down his face

and his hands

are shaking 

uncontrollably 

but he feels 

a little bit better

I love you

louis whispers 

into the cool air

he waits 

for a sign 

that shows harry is still there

that he heard him

but nothing happens

louis gets up

and looks at harry’s gravestone

and smiles a tiny bit 

and then

the clouds part

and the sun begins to shine 

a warm wind blowing

maybe it was a coincidence

or maybe it really was him 

telling me he had heard

louis doesn’t know

and he will never

but one thing

he knows

is that he is going to be okay

maybe not today 

maybe not the next

but he knew

over time

he would

the warm wind

is still blowing

and messing up his hair

and louis knows

harry would have laughed 

he can still hear harry’s laugh clearly 

he always will

he’s sure of it

and then

louis takes a deep breath 

and feels his heart beat

in his chest

and he thinks

he will always have a part

of harry

in there

and harry will always

have a part of his

and that’s okay

he thinks

it’s all gonna be okay. 

 

fin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry i did this. 
> 
> xxx


End file.
